I just realized that I have 17 days left with my family and then I won’t see them until at least July. That’s seven months and depending if I get the internship or not, maybe even longer.
I’m so torn because on one half of me wants to cling to my mom and never let go, but the other half of me is so bloody selfish.
I carry my plane tickets from 2010 in my wallet to remind me that I made the decision to make my way alone. I made the choice to grow up. When I’m having a hard day or I’m missing my home I pull the tickets out to remind me that I had the choice to say no.
I know London is my calling, there is no career path for me here. I’ll have my BA in one more year and then my MA in one more. The needle points to London, it’s always pointed there.
But knowing something in your mind doesn’t make it any less easier on your heart.
Oh goodness. This doesn’t go with my theme but I had to share this story because it’s so touching.
“Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
"Dear God, Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her. Love, Meredith"
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, ‘To Meredith’ in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, ‘When a Pet Dies.’ Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
"Dear Meredith, Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I’m easy to find, I am wherever there is love. Love, God…"
It’s silly but I sat here and I cried. I’m just so thankful that there are such beautiful and kind people in this world. Words can’t really express how I feel only that I needed to share this with you all. I feel honoured to be able to share this Earth with you all, especially the person who wrote Meredith back.
Much love to you all tonight and always.
I’m sorry for the ramble. I try not to make these posts because I don’t want to inconvenience others with my troubles. But some days I just can’t keep everything bottled up. I don’t want to talk about this with my parents because I would only cause them more distress but I just need to tell someone. I have to pour this out. I can’t keep it in.
If there is anything I would wish upon you all it would be to please treasure what time you have with your family. I wanted to grow up so much but now I find that if I could have another day as a child I would attach myself to my parents and not let go. Sometimes I see children on the train with their family and as selfish as this sounds I feel a small curl of jealousy. Every three months I fly home for the break to visit but my hear is always shadowed by the fact that I have to leave soon. Treasure what time you have.
I live in university halls which is a one year contract, I want to move out of London and closer to university so I’ve been doing the dreaded flat hunt. In true Lyze fashion my sad ramble starts off with a joyful email from a letting agent. I woke up to photos that almost moved me to tears. When I opened the folder I saw me, I found my blank canvas. Then I realized that I saw a home. This isn’t temporary it’s going to be my haven for the next two years.
But as happy as that should be it hit me that the house of my parents is no longer my own. It’s taken ten months for that to truly sink in. I would never want to leave London. I’m planning on getting my masters and working here. This isle has stolen my heart through and through. As much as I love being with my parents I feel it in my bones that this is where I am supposed to be. My calling is here.
I’m twenty-one and even though my mind knows that I am an adult my heart just wasn’t prepared to accept that. But I feel like today is a turning point for me. There are only a few paragraphs left in this chapter. This first year in London is coming to an end and a new beautiful chapter is about to begin.
Suddenly I understand these words: Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.
I am unwritten.